I am the mess you chose, the closet you cannot close.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose,
The closet you cannot close.
The devil in you, I suppose,
'Cause the wounds never heal.
- Staind : Everything Changes

( Read more... )

Set to about a month or so ago; pre-Nano and supposedly what 'kicks things off.' Kind of. Posting it tonight because I don't think I'll have time to do it on Halloween.

Nick wasn't sure how long the phone had been ringing for when he finally woke up, but once his mind was able to register the ring tone he sat up as quickly as he could and reached for it at once. It was still dark outside, which meant that he hadn't been asleep for very long even if his mind felt muddled almost as if he had. "Hello?" he asked quietly, his voice thick with sleep. When there was no response, Nick cleared his throat and tried to squint at the screen to see if somehow he had managed to hang up, but before he could see for sure there was a distinct sound that made him wake up completely.

Crying. Rachel, crying. He could distinguish that sound anywhere, even if he hadn't heard it often from how little he got to see his daughter.

Feeling the way his heart seemed to stop dead in its tracks, Nick got out of bed. "Rae? Baby, what's the matter?"

"Daddy, I--" More crying, and for the millionth time Nick mentally cursed the distance between them; living in Chicago made it impossible to drive to San Diego just to check on her. Before he could ask again what had happened, though, Rachel tried to talk again. "Daddy, Mom... There was an accident, and she..."

Rachel let out a choked sob that sounded muffled as she moved the phone away, and Nick sat back down at the edge of the bed. The dizziness that he suddenly felt had nothing to do with how quickly he had woken up, or how fast he had gotten out of bed - it was just impossible to think, let alone believe, what his daughter was trying to tell him. "Are you-- I'll--"

"I'm okay. I just... Aunt Megan is here, she's helping me." Her voice lowered, as if to hide how shakier it got, but to Nick he could hear it nonetheless. He noticed every change, everything that sounded off with his daughter's voice. "She's gone, and I just... Dad?"

Nick had already been standing, looking for some clothes that he could change into so he could book a flight and make his way to San Diego at once. "Yeah? I'm right here, kiddo."

"I need you. I don't know what to do."

Nodding, he fought back the way his throat closed so tightly that for a second he couldn't even breathe. "I'll be there in a few hours, okay? We'll figure things out. You're not alone, baby. I'll be there soon." A beat. "I love you. I promise, I'll be there soon." Things will be okay, a part of him wanted to say, but he knew better.

"I know," Rachel responded quietly nonetheless, sounding so much younger than just sixteen. "I love you, too."

"You realize this doesn't work between us? That whatever we do, over, and over, and over, it just doesn't work?"

"That's not true. It works--"

"Just because we have a daughter it doesn't mean it works! God, just--"

"Do you think you're the only one that has to stand all this? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all this."

Nick paced around the small apartment, trying as hard as he could to calm down. After their latest argument Caitlin had picked up Rachel and had left without saying where she was going. His guess was to see her sister, as she often did whenever they managed to have a bad day, but he didn't want to call and ask. He was so angry, so fed up that he didn't care where Caitlin had gone. He didn't care if she was coming back. He just wanted things to be over and done with. He wanted to stop the damn cycle they seemed to live in so that one of them could at least be happy, or that at least Rachel could live in a household where the adults did more yelling than her.

"I'm sick of this."

Slamming his fist in a wall, he let out a strangled scream of frustration. He was sick of it, too. He was sick of everything, and God only knew why they continued to make their lives Hell. He couldn't figure it out anymore, because he wasn't happy. Caitlin wasn't happy. Rachel couldn't be happy, and why were they even trying to fix it? Things had been broken from the very beginning, but they had masked it. For what they could have, for their baby, but it was impossible. A year of crashing against the same wall, and with a child in the mix, was clear proof of it, wasn't it?

With a set determination that he hadn't felt in years, Nick walked straight to the bedroom. The familiar duffel bag was taken out from the back of the closet, and carelessly he shoved in the most necessary things before making his way towards the door.

For a second he paused, as if trying to figure out if leaving was the best choice. This wasn't the first time he had contemplated it, though. It certainly wasn't the first and only time he had almost done it, either.

This was, however, the first time he went through with it. And, with his anger preventing him to even think things through, he slammed the door shut behind him as he made his way downstairs.

"I'm sick of this."

It was time for the two of them to finally put things to rest. It was just a matter of one of them taking the first step. Only time would tell how right or wrong that decision was.

It was with a tiny hand tapping his face that Nick woke up, squinting slightly when the tapping became more insistent. He had decided to lay down with his daughter while she took her nap, and had fallen asleep shortly after she had, but judging by how awake she seemed now it was obvious she was done with nap time. He'd just have to do so once Caitlin was home from work, he decided, and before he had to start his night shift.

"Wide awake, are you sweetheart?" he asked with a smile as he picked her up and held her high above him, making her giggle immediately. At first Nick hadn't been too fond of having to work night shifts, but now he had to admit that it was working out very well. He got to spend time with his daughter during the day, and they were able to save money that they would have to spend on babysitters. The downside was that he and Caitlin were arguing much more than usual whenever they did manage to see each other, but there wasn't much that they could do from the looks of things.

For now, though, his daughter had his full attention. It was still a bit mind boggling that the little girl he was holding was his, and that he was a father already at the age of twenty-three, but it made him feel more alive and more conscious of his role in her life whenever he'd just look at her. As she grinned down at him while he held her up he just stared at her for a moment, taking in just how beautiful and innocent she was, and brought her closer to him to kiss her forehead.

"I love you, baby. You know your daddy loves you very much, right?"

Babbling was the answer, followed closely by one word that made Nick blink over at her in surprise. "Dada!"

"...Rae, what did you say?"

Silence.

"Rachel? Baby, can you say that again?"

Rachel looked up at her father and blinked before babbling as she looked at her hands. Just as Nick was about to sit up, figuring that she wasn't going to say it anymore, she looked up at him, grinning a smile that Nick would later coin as Rachel's Smile. "Dada."

Keeping himself from scaring her by letting out a whoop of celebration that his little girl had said her first word, Nick simply laughed under his breath and kissed her forehead again. In his head he was already coming up with words he would teach her next, and a particular one that he was hoping she'd get to learn before Caitlin came home. Maybe tonight before work he'd prepare something for the three of them, so they could celebrate. He and Caitlin may be having problems, but today it was their little girl's day.

Outings to baseball games weren’t common in the Palmer household, but Nick’s father insisted it was so he could enjoy them that much more whenever they did have the chance to go. Daniel made up to them, though, by playing catch with his son or making it home in time to watch the game on television with him.

If Nick had been older and not so easily excited with the prospect of an unplanned trip to Wrigley Field for a Cubs game, maybe he would have suspected he should double-guess his father’s actions. Maybe he’d consider if there was something else hidden in all of it, but at six years old it was hard to really suspect any of it. A baseball game meant the Cubs, hot dogs, and anything else he wanted to eat so he could make the most of it. All throughout the game that was all Nick did, and Daniel was grateful for it. He wanted just that – for his son to make the most of it.

Once they reached the driveway of their home, Nick was still buzzing with the energy from the game. Just as he was about to bounce out of the car so he could rush inside and tell his mother all about the game, Daniel stopped him by putting a hand on his shoulder. “Nick. Son, there’s something we need to talk about.”

The energy in Nick was put on hold at once, and he nodded as he looked up at his father. When he didn’t say anything, Nick seemed to sit completely still; it would have been hard to tell that just seconds ago he had barely been able to not bounce. “…are you sick again?” he asked quietly, when Daniel didn’t seem ready to talk just yet.

A tiny smile broke out, and Daniel nodded after a moment. Nick waited for him to say that he’d be okay, and that things would be all right how he usually did whenever his mother would tell him that they had to take it easy because Dad wasn’t feeling well, but when nothing came Nick reached for his father’s hand. “You’ll be okay, Dad. You’ll get all better, like before.”

Daniel nodded, his smile still lingering. “Nicky, I just… I need you to promise me something. Okay? It’s very important.” When Nick nodded, Daniel continued as he brushed his son’s hair back. “You need to take care of your mother. Whenever I’m…sick, I need you to take good care of her. Can you do that for me?”

“I promise,” Nick responded with a nod, and when Daniel put on him his old Cubs hat, he smiled up at him. “When you get better can we go to another game?”

With a chuckle, one that Nick didn’t suspect it was forced until many years later, Daniel nodded and began to get out of the car as Nick did the same. “We’ll see,” he just answered instead, watching as his son ran excitedly into the house so he could fill in his mother on everything that had happened at the game.

"She has your eyes, doesn't she?"

Nick managed to not jump at the sound of Caitlin's voice, and instead he grinned over to her from his spot by the window, where he had been showing his newborn daughter the night view. According to the doctor he was supposed to be asleep, or at least trying to sleep while the baby allowed them to do so, but he couldn't. His daughter was awake, and all he could do was stare at his child, their baby, and take her in. It felt as if he couldn't look at her enough, and judging by the look on Caitlin's face as she watched them Nick could already tell that she had figured that out. "You think so?

Returning the grin, Caitlin sat up slightly as Nick walked back to the bed and sat next to her. "Yeah. The nurse told me it's too soon to tell, but I know she has your eyes." Turning to the baby, she gently caressed her cheek before brushing a kiss gently against her forehead. "I still can't believe she's here."

"I can't believe she's ours," Nick admitted with a quiet chuckle. "I never thought... Well I thought I'd be a father, I just... It's different now. It's..."

"Real?"

"Mmm." Caitlin rested her head against his shoulder as she watched the baby, and Nick sighed under his breath. "Thank you," he murmured as he turned to her, kissing the top of her head. "For everything. You were amazing. If it wasn't for you, she wouldn't be here."

Caitlin smiled and turned to him, kissing his lips gently before reaching for their daughter. "If I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that too, you know." Watching Nick try to keep a straight face at that made her smile grow into a happy grin, and she leaned forward for another kiss. "I love you," she murmured against his lips, closing her eyes at the feel of his arm wrapping securely around her waist as they sat side by side.

Resting his forehead against hers, he sighed contently under his breath. For the first time in years, everything felt right. He was with his wife, and his daughter. His family. "I love you, too."

( The sound of the door slammnig made Nick flinch unconsciously, even if by now he'd figure he should be used to it. )

Many people weigh the guilt they will feel against the pleasure of the forbidden action they want to take. -Peter McWilliams

"You can't go."

Nick didn't stop throwing clothes into the duffel bag that was on top of his bed. They didn't land inside, exactly, but it didn't matter. First he'd gather everything, then shove it in. He wasn't thinking long-term, about anything; all he was concentrating on was what he'd do in this minute, then the next. He was angry enough to not be thinking straight, and some part of him knew it, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to be staying one more minute in a house where he didn't feel as if he fit in. Five years had been more than enough.

"Nick, listen to me!" Jake took a hold of his brother's shirt, trying to pull him away from the closet, but the second he did Nick turned to glare at him and ready to shove him back. Even at five years old, however, Jake simply narrowed his eyes at his brother and held on tighter, even if tears were stinging at the corner of his eyes. "You. can't. go."

To anyone else, Jake's tears would be impossible to see. They were barely there, glossing over his eyes but Nick knew better. Becoming a brother at thirteen years old, after being the only child for so long, hadn't been something easy to adjust to, but if there was something certain it was that his little brother came before everything. It brought out the defensive side of him, always ready to protect him and keep him safe. Nick knew him, he believed, better than their own mother did; which was why it made his heart clench when he noticed the tears. He may be furious at the world, and he may have been ready to shove Jake back just seconds ago - but Jake's tears were always enough to stop him cold.

"I can't stay," he finally said, taking his hand so he could make him let go. It only made Jake hold on tighter, however, which caused Nick's anger to start rising again. "You have to understand, Jake. If I stay--"

I'll suffocate, I'll go crazy, I'll drive Mom crazy

But, instead of finishing, he just knelt down in front of Jake and took him by the shoulders. "I'll come back. I'll visit, a lot. All the time, okay? I just... Right now I can't stay." Jake's tears finally started falling then, even if it was obvious that he kept trying to do his best to stop them, so Nick did the only thing he could think of doing. He hugged him to him, because if there was one thing that he regretted doing in his sudden decision to leave it was leaving his little brother. "What do you want me to bring you?" he asked quietly, a knot growing in his throat as well but trying to ignore it. "I'll bring you back whatever you want when I visit, because I'll visit you a lot. I promise."

Jake stayed silent for a long time, just hugging his brother. When he was ready to answer he pulled back, but didn't look straight at Nick. "Send me a postcard of everywhere you go."

"That's all you want?"

A nod was all the response he got before Jake pulled back completely and went to sit on the bed, next to the duffel bag. Nick stared at him for a moment, the guilt weighing him down more than he ever thought it would, but it wasn't enough to stay. He simply swallowed down the feelings that kept threatening to spill over, and went back to the closet to finish packing.

This was right. Leaving was the right thing. He was sure of it.

Ten times you've listened.

1. "You need to take care of your mother."
2. "If you're not happy here then why are you staying?"
3. "Send me a postcard of everywhere you go."
4. "I love you."
5. "Dada."
6. "I'm sick of this."
7. "Get the hell out of here."
8. "We're brothers. We'll make it work."
9. "Let's not make this complicated."
10. "Dad? I need you. I don't know what to do."

Ten songs you listen to to feel better.

1. Let It Be - The Beatles. My father loved the Beatles; this was one of his 'trademark' songs.
2. Dream On - Aerosmith. It's just a good song.
3. Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - The Police. Reminds me of when I first met Caitlin.
4. Hotel California - Eagles. First song I learned how to play with my guitar.
5. Hello - Lionel Richie. It was one of my mom's favorite songs; it always reminds me of her.
6. Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson or Alien Ant Farm. Reminds me of Jake. And I like both versions.
7. Can't Take My Eyes Off of You - Lauryn Hill. First song Emily and I danced to.
8. Vertigo - U2. Good song to drive to.
9. 1973 - James Blunt. Another good song to just listen to.
10. Zoe Jane - Staind. If there's a song I could dedicate to my daughter, it's this one.